Sometimes the voice in your head is brutal.
You think..
“It’s Always Going to Be THIS Way!”
Flickr borrowed from Wikipedia
Your best intentions don’t change a damn thing.
It feels like you’re never going to make it.
The cards are stacked against you. And you’ve convince yourself that… It is just the way it is.
It’s not like you haven’t tried to transform. You’ve tried EVERYTHING!!! And still nothing…..
Feels like you are wasting your time.
Might as well just Give Up.
Quit trying.
Let it go.
Sound familiar??
If it does, you and I have a lot in common.
That mental script has been the bane of my existence for nearly my entire life…. well the non-drinking parts of my life.
I got into all of this self-help stuff to be a better man.
No one really taught me how to live a good life so I Googled it.
I’ve bought tens of thousands of dollars worth of internet products.
Each promised the secret to the good life.
The fancy formulas, and so-called “Laws” suckered me in.
I wanted so desperately to escape my life.
In 2009, I practiced yoga daily.
The more I got in touch with my real sense of self, the more things seemed to work out in my favor; so much so that I convinced myself that I had unlocked the secrets to the universe.
I couldn’t wait to share my writing with the world.
My book bombed.
And it should have.
But, the disappointment that followed selling only 437 books during the launch week wrenched my guts.
I had been sliding down the slippery slope of “Dude, you’re not good enough” for months leading up to the book launch.
In hindsight, the right move would have been to unplug, tuned in, and reset myself before finishing the book.
That’s not the route I took.
And for a few months after the book launch, I struggled to be happy.
I was upset that things didn’t work out the way they “should have.”
The irony of publishing a book called “A Soul Surfer’s Guide to Happiness” and then spend three months pissed off and unhappy is not lost on me.
Who can’t laugh a little bit about that??
Anyhow….
A guy I knew back then took me to a 10 day retreat led by Thich Nhat Hahn.
I Learned Mindfulness Practice.
The practice of Mindfulness helps you become more self-aware.
That feeling; “You’ll never amount to shit,” doesn’t seem to go away easily. It’s deeply wired in the nervous system. Part of your defense mechanism.
For me, it manifests into the persistent belief…
… “You’re a loser. No one will ever love you. You’ll always be alone.“
For years, my spiritual practice focused on cultivating positive vibes, and forsaking negative vibes. All that turned into a spiritual bypass. It ignores real feelings and sensations, and creates a disconnect from the real experience of life unfolding.
Mindfulness teaches you to embrace whatever vibes come up, deal with those vibes, and understand what they mean to you. When practiced in this manner, mindfulness will help you be at peace with being you.
It sounds weird to say…
…but I really don’t care if I ever reach any of my material goals.
Those things aren’t a requirement for a happy and joyful life.
Goals are just things we do.
Life is no less meaningful if Big Things aren’t accomplished.
Right now, I could care less if my goals come to fruition.
I don’t care if I’m single for the rest of my life, or if bartending is the only profession I know.
None of that stuff really matters.
My real goal is the happiness that comes from fully engaging life on a day to day basis.
Happiness is always waiting for you to enjoy.
That’s why I threw in the towel.
It felt right.
You need to embrace your own reality no matter how messy it seems.
Let go of the idea that you’ll be happy when (fill in the blank)
Be happy now. Just SURRENDER
I surrendered on my April 6, 2013.
On that day, my birthday I woke up in a panic.
My brain played me that old tune; “Every Reason for Shame!”
It ignored every reason why I can hold my head up and be grateful for the life I live.
It ignored how lucky rich I really am.
Imagine you pull up to the parking lot at this little section of Seneca Lake (ohio) they call “the beach.”
The weight of the world lands on you.
The pressure sinks in, crushes your spirit and pushes tears from your heart.
Right then and there you decide….. GIVE UP!
Start from scratch.
Become a PESSIMIST!
Imagine: THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!…..
If this is all you’re ever going to get and you have 20, 30 or 50 years left on this planet, how could you make the best of it?
How could you let go of the past, and let go of the future and just enjoy today?
And…
Is that a practical way to go?
I don’t know if it’s practical, but that’s what I did.
I told myself….
If you continue to write, you’ll never make money at it; matter of fact it will cost you money to send out emails every month.
No one will pay your consulting fees!
The only way people are going to book you for weekly session is if it’s free.
You will never again escape Guernsey County, Ohio.
This IS your life!
You’re going to be single, alone, and friendless FOREVER!!!!!
So, now that you’re clear on that….
…..what do you want to do today?
The answer was clear to me.
Paddle. Get on the water. Live for today.
For almost a month, that was about it…..
- wake up….
- look at the weather……
- paddle…..
- eat….
- read or watch “Criminal Minds.”
Then it happened…..
Joy.
I started a daily series, decided what I wanted out of life, and created my new vision board, but in a very different way than I’d ever done before.
Will that vision ever manifest?
Who knows?
Either way, I don’t really gives a shhh……
I’m not striving to write and sell books, live in Hawaii (with her) so that someday I’ll be happy.
I AM happy today.
- I get to write.
- I am healthy.
- I am whole.
- I am complete.
Those aren’t affirmations….. those are FACTS!
Think about the idea of Surrender for a moment.
Can you surrender?
Can you accept yourself completely?
Can you think of an activity that can become your version of “Paddle Boarding?”
I’d love to read about it….. Comment Below… Even if you can’t answer yes to all of the above.
I’ll do my best to share information to help you get there…… or you can hire me, and I’ll help you get there faster.
P.S. On July 3, 2013 I will create a video about the process to create a vision.
This process helped to get my book published, took me to Brazil, and landed me in Ohio. This process is taking me to Hawaii. I’m going to share it with my subscribers for free….. so sign up already!
*****Update March 28th, 2015*******
******************************The post above originated on June 25, 2013.***********************************
Shortly thereafter, in the back bedroom of a single-wide trailer (mobile home) in Buffalo, Ohio that I shared with my dad, the video below was created.
Watch the video to learn How to Discover Your No Matter What
The picture of the girl with the Paddle Board hung the wall above my desk.
Each morning, I walked myself through a visualization exercise that I developed called
“Bending SpaceTime to Remember the Future”.
The end of the visualization technique is where the magic happens.
The idea is simple.
Get “in touch” with your future self in the same manner that you do with your past self. Feel nostalgic for the inevitability of what you will create/manifest into your life. Let go of the resistance to what is and follow your sense of knowing.
You are the alpha and the omega of your own experience.
Hold the space of thel feeling of achieving your goals and living the life of your dreams.
Allow yourself to act in the same manner that you would if you had it all. Appreciate your life as it unfolds in the present.
You don’t need motivation to change. Your energy will transform you if you let it.
Once you are in tune and congruent with that Future Potentiality, and you live inside the place of “Knowing” your job is to listen and do whatever you know you want to do, without worrying about the outcomes.
Expect nothing. Just show up to what shows up. Let the Universe expand through you.
When you practice this each day, you get a clearer and clearer idea of how to co-create the conditions you desire.
I did this process every day during the summer of 2013.
In September of 2013, I went on a first date with Annette.
And today….
“I am in am in a loving Relationship with an Amazing Woman.”
We live in a house right on the shores of Smith Mountain Lake. I earn money as writer, a Stand Up Paddle Board Coach, and a consultant. She and I are open to move to Maui in October 2016.
*****Update February 14, 2021 …. never made it to Maui. We moved to California, then Vegas, and now we live in near Dallas Texas. We bought our first home in 2020. ***************
But, what’s really cool is this….
-
- On my birthday, in 2014, Annette decided to buy a Paddle Board. We went to a local shop here at the lake. She picked out a green and yellow version of the board that had been my NO MATTER WHAT visualization tool.
The girl’s got reach.
Posted by Soul Surfer School- Smith Mountain Lake Stand Up Paddle Lessons on Thursday, June 26, 2014
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- And a month later she went car shopping.When she made her decision, she asked my opinion, and to my surprise, the car she chose was the exact car in that video.
bwhahhaaaa! Annette got new plates for her car!
- In between those two events, I got invited to be a brand Ambassador to a Stand Up Paddle Board Company and competed in my first SUP Race. (Carolina Cup, Wrightsville Beach, SC)
A LOT of people came out to demo these little beauties.
And on February 14, 2015 we got married!
Don’t Get Me Wrong
I don’t want you to get the impression that all you have to do is put up a picture and wish your life into existence.
Nor do I want to leave you with the impression that life is rainbows and butterflies.
Looking back on my journey from May, 2013 through 2021 there were a lot of ups and downs.
Too often, I slipped and lost my center — let the voice get the better of me.
I missed a few key pieces of the puzzle, that are clear with hindsight.
The point of it all is to cultivate a grounded and integrated sense of self and engage with the world around you in a more authentic manner… less defensive, judgmental, and reactive (more receptive, flexible, and free). .
That’s what I mean when I say; “Happiness is an inside job.”
Please don’t take that the wrong way.
For me, happiness takes some work. I’m an over-thinker who used to struggle with anxiety. It’s not as simple as “just choose to be happy” and poof your life is magical.
It’s more about holding the tension of that anxiety until I get back into a place of “knowing”.
Knowing who I really am, what I want to do next, and what the next best steps for me really are. And then from that place of knowing, take the steps, and let the events unfold without needing anything to happen.
It’s certainly not about being all positive all the time.
It’s about living authentically in the moment.
It’s about sorting out the emotions that bubble up, take hold, and won’t let go.
It’s about holding the space of knowing.
If you watched the video and saw the invitation to the workshop I’m sorry you missed it.