Let me ask you something.
What would you consider the most valuable resource in the universe?
I think I know.
But, before I get to that, let me tell you about how it dawned on me.
It happened over the course of several years, and started because of a promise I made to a dying man; a promise that I eventually broke.
Flashback to that night.
A nursing home room. I am leaned back on the recliner that smells like urine. I’d slept in that recliner nearly all of the past 40 nights.
An old man is lying in bed about double arms length away, maybe more as A weather report blared from the TV….
“Thursday night showers. Lows in the upper 30s. North winds 10 to 15 miles per hour. Chance of rain 100%. And Friday, cloudy with a chance of rain and snow showers in the morning. Then partly cloudy in the afternoon. Highs in the upper 20s.“
The report lasted about as long as microwaving a bag of popcorn, then repeated. Dad (the old man) crunched lemon drop candies as loud as possible and stared blankly at the TV from the bed he’d lived in for the past several weeks. I’m not sure he realized we’d listened to this several times already.
Di you know that Chemo/Radiation doesn’t just kill cancer, it kills everything; tastebuds, appetite, cognitive abilities, and hope.
Some people survive.
My dad wasn’t going to be one of them.
“CRUNCH”…
A God-awful screeching sound from his teethe grinding invaded the room and stabbed my ears. Rage percolated in my stomach. The old man laid there deeply satisfied. He loved getting under my skin.
“Chance of rain 100%. And Friday, cloudy with….” for the 15th time.
The notebook sat heavy on my lap.
Pen in hand.
Heart broken.
Waiting and insight. A break in the noise. A little bit of relief.
“Thursday night showers. Lows in the….”
… (26th loop is when it hit me.)
Note to Self: Pay Attention
“Don’t waste your life worrying about stuff that doesn’t matter, especially when in the presence of people that do.
We get limited time together, make it count.”
It’s not Easy to Pay attention to Stuff that Actually Matters
The world is a noisy place.
Some people don’t seem to notice. I’m not one of them. My brain is in a hyperarousal state. Regulating emotions is challenging. And I am very aware of my own shortcomings. It’s a terrible combination. Happiness is illusive. Success feels unattainable. And when I get obsessed with figuring something out, I lose sight of things that actually matter, which is how I broke the promise to a dying man.
During my tenure as a self-help junky, I’ve learned a lot of techniques to help me tone down my nervous system, balance my emotions, and take control of the ongoing narrative.
Years ago, I stumbled upon this speech by David Foster Wallace Shift How You Think and Make the Narrator of Your Life Tell Better Stories, and it inspired some deep work.
Please take a moment to listen.
“How’s the Water?”
As Wallace said in the video, “I am not the wise old fish.“
Part of me believes I am the center of the universe, and that’s why I am writing this today, and is the point of this website.
This is another attempt for me to get free of my natural, hard-wired default setting, which is to be deeply and literally self centered.
Hopefully it helps you as well.
Anyhow…
Back to that night.
60th time hearing the weather report.
The whole situation stopped being annoying; the teethe screeching, weather report, the pee soaked recliner, none of it annoyed me.
Knowing we had only a few days left together helped me pay attention to what mattered most in those moments.
It’s funny what happens when you stop needing people to be anything other than here and healthy.
Did I mention that Chemo/Radiation scrambles brain circuits?
It does, and it’s crazy to see.
You sit a room with a body of a person you knew. Sometimes they’re coherent. Most of the time they’re an empty shell.
It’s surreal.
Dad had been offline for quite some time..
And without warning, he rebooted and started dropping bombs.
It went a little something like this.
“Boy, don’t say nothin’. Keep your damn mouth shut. Don’t know how long I’ll be here. My brain ain’t working right. Can’t find words.”
It’s not often I keep my mouth shut.
But, I kept my mouth shut.
“You got a damn good woman there.”
It’s true.
If you met her you’d know right away. She’s so kind and sweet. Patient.
“And you turned yourself into a damn good man. Don’t be a McAuley and screw it all up like I did when my dad died.”
BOOM!
“Don’t let the anger control you.”
BOOM!!!!
“And promise me something.”
My mouth fell open but no sound or air escaped.
“Boy, you changed my life. Taught to me see things different. Wish I knew that shit when I was twenty, could a been better for you, a good man like you are.
Maybe I wouldn’t have messed it up so bad.
Don’t mess it up. Get back to doing what you’re ‘posed to do. Write. If anyone is crazy enough to change the damn world, it’s you. Get on with it.”
Then, he plopped a Lemon Drop in his mouth, crunched it with a smile, and that’s pretty much the last lucid conversation he had.
A few days later we transferred to the county home.
Shortly after that the hospice lady came with Morphine.
Mikey’s last day was brutal to witness. Uncle Chuck and I sat next to him. At some point, nurses came in to roll dad over, and he let out a sound that could have only escaped from the pits of hell. Uncle Chuck told me it was the worst thing he’d ever seen, including the stuff he saw in ‘Nam. I believed him.
We decided to take a break.
I went back to the trailer to clean out dad’s stuff and ordered a pizza. He took his last breath while I was on my way back to the home. Five years later the promise was broken.
The wife and I sat down for a talk.
She listed several moments of frustration and disappointment spanned our 10 years together, all of which were results of my choices and actions.
Words can’t describe the pain of knowing you are a source of ongoing disappointment and frustration to a person you love so deeply.
As she spoke, I realized her quality of life will improve without me as her daily companion. We got divorced soon after. And I moved into an apartment near my workplace.
The past few years I dug myself into and out of a deep depression.
A few months ago happiness paid a visit.
This writing experiment is my attempt to continue cultivating happiness, and further short circuit my default self-centeredness.
Who knows, maybe I can break some deeply held beliefs and patterns and write myself into a new chapter in life where I finally get my shit together and pay attention to things that actually matter.
So, where do we start?
the most valuable resource in the universe is Human Attention
Attention everything.
Unfortunately for some of us our attention is easily taken.
It’s too easy to get lost in the noise and pay attention to all the wrong things. I like to imagine this can be remedied. That’s what this is about.
This website isn’t an attempt to offer some magical, one-size-fits-all approach to life.
I’m not trying to convince you of anything.
This website is a personal conversation to my own self centeredness in an attempt to take back control of my most precious and valuable resource, and see where that takes me over the next few years.
A first principle of this conversation is the idea that right now is the best time to be alive.
Technology is transforming society in very unique ways.
Opportunity is open to more people than ever before. And despite the chatter on social media, it’s one of the safest times in recorded history.
An idea I’ve been attracted to for several years now is that we can use Moor’e Law as a metaphor for upgrading our ability to harness attention, and in doing so we could exponentially develop our Self and upgrade our life.
Let’s be clear.
I failed miserably at this: lost my marriage, created a mountain of debt, ruined my credit, and nearly took my own life in December of 2024.
Don’t take anything here as advice.
I’m not anyone’s guru. I’ve got very little to show for my 50 years here other than some funny stories. Don’t take this for advice.
Moving on.
If you want to understand the changes we’re experiencing in technology, Peter Diamandis has a few books. Take a look. 2030 is just a few years away.
A shift his happening whether we like it or not.
You have a choice.
What type of relationship with reality do you prefer; confrontational or co-creative?
The choice is yours.
A War is fought for your attention.
The war for your attention is fought at every level; corporations, Nation-States, family, foes, and friends. Me. Everyone. A constant battle for attention is underway every day.
It’s your job to direct your attention to the right ideas, people, and actions.
What if you could mine our attention for gold?
If attention is everything, then it would make sense to develop an awareness of where your attention is directed and learn how to take control.
The following pages is a collection of stories, ideas, and advice from some amazing people. And me. Our journey will explore attention and awareness from where it is currently to its source. Along the way we will collect and revisit useful tools, disciplines, and practices of a “soul surfer.”
I’m not trying to sell anything, although, there are links that could possibly pay me if you by a book on amazon or something. If that happens, cool. You don’t have to use those links.
This website is a way for me to access a less self-centered version of me and to coach myself to pay attention to stuff that really matters.
If this helps you too, I’m stoked and happy to share this part of the journey.
Love your face!
Tim
PS.
Reminder: Throughout these pages you’ll see things to click that open up nuances in the conversation; deepens it.
You don’t have to click, it’s a choose your own adventure; just like life.
Some of those links lead to some cool articles, videos and whatnot.
Please understand. Some links go to Amazon. They’re affiliate links and I get a few pennies if you buy the books I recommend.
Those books changed my thinking, and helped me on some level my experience of life. They helped me find a new perspective; one that my dad told me changed how he lived his final days.
Anyhow… if you want to read more
PPS. This one’s for you Mikey. I miss you every day. Sorry I lost a good one.